Tony

Susan

Jupiter - King of the Gods

Diana - Goddess of Hunting, Chastity, the Moon

(Tony and Jupiter are played by the same actor)

(Susan and Diana are played by the same actress)

All action takes place in Susan's apartment, except for two scenes which occur elsewhere in the universe.

 ACT 1

(Susan enters stage right to find Tony sitting stage left, reading.)

S.   ( Surprised)  Hey, you're here!  I thought you were going to the library tonight.  But it's great that you're here after all because I didn't eat.  I thought about eating.  Maybe I should have since I am really hungry.  Maybe we could have some wine with the meal.  I brought some home—  see?  So—  so, are you going to the library to write tonight?  Man, you work hard.  And your play's going to be accepted, I promise you that.  They're going to buy it, and they're going to cast me for the lead, and it's all going to be terrific.  We're going to be rich and famous.  But in the meantime I really don't mind working late at the office like this  to pick up a little overtime pay for us.  I can really get a lot done around the computers when no one else is there.  I catch up on my typing, get my mind together, think about—

T.  You weren't at the office, were you?

S.    What?

T.    I said, “you weren't at the office, were you?”.

S.  Of course I was at the office.  Where else would I have been?  I was typing some reports into the -

T.  I called.  You weren't there.

S.  I wasn't—  you—  well, I wasn't just there, no.  I had to go shopping, you know.  Food doesn't just appear around here.  After I left the office I—

T.  You were at a party, weren't you?

S.   A party?  Of course I wasn't at a party!  What is wrong with you, Tony?  You've snapped!  Your work has finally driven you over the edge!  That is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard!  And it really makes me mad, because I work hard for us, all day.  Then I come home to this ridiculous suggestion that I've been at a party!  (pauses)  I did stop by a party for a few minutes, sure, but that's all it was.  Some people at the office were getting together, and they asked me if I would come by for maybe five minutes, no more, after I finished working the extra two hours at the office.  So I told them—

T.   You were at an executive party all afternoon, weren't you?

S.  I was—  how in the world could you think such a thing?  Executive—  what do you think the business world is like, Tony?  Rich corporate presidents fly into town, do a little business in the morning, then spend all afternoon boozing with secretaries?  Is that the image you have?  Well, it's not that way.  The business world is—

T.  So what did you do?  Invite him over here?

S.  Invite who over here?

T.  The guy you picked up at the party.  I mean, you thought I wasn't going to be here.  Why not?

S.  That's ridiculous!  That's—

(The phone rings.  Tony answers it.)

T.   Yes.  Yes.  (Long pause)  Sure, I understand.

S.   What was it, Tony?

T.   The agent won't read my manuscript.

S.   He—  Tony, he has to read the play, you paid him a fee!

T.  He doesn't have time to read it.  That's it.  I love it, it's all wonderful.  You're sleeping around, and my agent won't read the play I paid him a hundred dollars to read.

S.  (Stares at him for a time)  I can't believe you said that.

T.  Why not, it's true.  I paid him, and he won't read it.

S.  You know what I'm talking about.

T. Sure, and I know what I'm talking about.

S.  I'm not sleeping around.

T. Oh, that's true!  You invited him here, I forgot.

S. That's a rotten thing to say.

T. You can't stop it, can you?  You can't stop picking up men.

S.  So what would you know about picking people up?  Nothing!  Tony, you're such a loser!  You let people walk all over you!

T.   That's what you seem to be doing.

S.   That's what everybody's doing.  You won't even stand up for your own rights as a writer!

T.   So I have rights, huh?  That sounds funny, coming from you.  So what time is he coming over?  Because I know it's true;  I know you picked some guy up.

S.   That's absurd, Tony!  And besides, if I do enjoy talking with men—

T.   Talking?  Ha!

S.    Well damn you, at least I'm good at it!  You're just as promiscuous as anybody else, Mister Perfect!  The only reason you don't pick up women is that you can't!

T.   Like I say—  just tell me what time he's coming over.

S.   Will you stop it?

T.  Sure.  (Gets up, walks over to her, kisses her)  Maybe it's time for us to stop it.

S.    What are you talking about?

T.    I'm going out.  When I come back, I'll be taking my books and leaving for good.  (Exits)

S.    Tony!  You can't—  you—  you—  oh, damn him!  I hate it when he's like that!  Who does he think he is, anyway?  He knows the ground-rules of this relationship.  It's an open relationship, and that's the way we promised each other it would be!  We're free human beings, both of us.  And as for him!  As though he wouldn't pick up every good-looking woman in the city if he only could!  I've—  I've heard him at bars and I've seen him at parties until I'm sick of it.  The same lines, the same stupid lines over and over again.  “What's you hobby, honey?  What are your interests?  You like to play racquetball?”  I'm sick of that!  And to think—  his infuriating, hypocritical comments about me.  “You were at a party, weren't you”  “You picked some guy up, didn't you”  Ridiculous!  How does he have the nerve to— 

(Doorbell rings)

Hold on a second—  be right there!

(Susan goes to a mirror, primps a bit, then goes to the door and opens it.  Jupiter, the King of the Gods, enters)

S.   Well, this is it.  You have any trouble finding it?

J.   Not at all.  I have a perfect sense of direction.

S.  Yeah.  Well, it's not too far from the place where the party was.  Look, if you'll excuse me for just a second, I want to put away some of Tony's—  some of my roommate's—  some of—  I'll be right back, OK?

J.    Certainly.

S.   Make yourself comfortable.

(Exit Susan stage left)

J.         (Facing audience, raises arms)  Yes, it is I, Zeus, King of Gods, Ruler of Creation, mightiest of Deities, Supreme of Forces.  I have come once again to this puny world called Earth, and I feel the planet tremble around me.  Even this wretched disguise of a mortal man can conceal neither my power, nor the unbridled sexual energy which forged the white hot galaxies!  (Goes to bookshelf, tosses away a volume disinterestedly)  And as is my habit, I am in search of—  woman!  Two thousand years have elapsed since my last conquests here, but I still remember them well.  Io, Ganymede, Leda—  and poor, cowering Europa, the daughter of King Cadmus.  She had the misfortune to catch my eye as I passed over the garden in which she tarried.  I became a huge bull, raped her, and transformed her into the continent these Americans now seem to call—  Europe.  (Goes upstage to the window, looks up through it)  And even now the heavens are littered with stars which once were mortal women.  Andromeda, Cassiopeia.  In a way I pity the poor earthling girls I choose to ravish.  Upon hearing the mere name of Zeus they fall into simpering rags at my feet.  Completely devoid of sexual experience, they beg for mercy.  But to no avail!  They will all, all of them, ascend to the heavens to burn as glittering symbols of my eternal power!  (Hears Susan returning)  But hark, hither comes this one now—  my only hope is that she remains conscious after hearing that dreadful name: Zeus!

S.         OK, that's done.  Sorry I took so long.

J.         It does not matter in the least.  Time itself—  is under my command.

S.         Gee, you have a neat way of talking.  Would you like a drink?

J.         (Aside) Actually, after traveling two million miles, refreshment might be welcome.  Besides, if the poor thing is somewhat inebriated, the horror of hearing my name will be easier to bear.  (To Susan)  Yes!  Yes, bring me something to drink!

S.         Great.  What would you like?

J.         Nectar!  Nectar or ambrosia!

S.         I've got Gallo, Boone's Farm, and Schlitz Malt Liquor.

J.         All unimportant my dear.

S.         (Bringing drinks)  Here you go.  Listen, I'm really glad you could come.  I know it seems a little forward, me inviting you over like this.  I mean, we did just meet and all.  But—  oh, how is that?  Would you like a snack to go with it?

J.         No.  No, my little one, food will come later.  Now we must get to the business at hand.  Now I must tell you my name!  I am the great— 

S.         (Moves closer beside him, strokes his cheek)  Listen, I want you to understand this.  I don't care what you're name is, or who you are.  Names are sounds.  They're just noises that a person makes.  I'm not into sound.  I'm into things more real than sound.  I'm into feelings.  I'm into spiritual awareness.  I'm into attractions.  I really like you.  There's something about you that I find immensely appealing.  From the time I first saw you at the party I knew that we would come together mentally, spiritually—  and physically.  (Susan drains her drink, then kisses him, aggressively)  Now—  drink up.

J.         (Does so.  Then, to audience)  She's somewhat more confident than I expected.

S.         Oh, but you poor thing—  you're cold!  Please don't be nervous!

J.         I'm hardly nervous.  It's just that— 

S.         It's just that you want to tell me your name, I know.  And that's all right.  But believe me—  I know who you are.

J.         You do?

S.         Of course I do.  You're an executive, aren't you?

J.         In a way, that's true.

S.         And you have a great many people under you.

J.         Everyone is under me.

S.         I know it seems that way sometimes.

J.         It seems that way all the time.

S.         You've not done this with a girl like me for a long time, have you?

J.         Over two thousand years.

S.         It only feels that way, silly.

J.         It is that way.  The last time— 

S.         The last time you were great, I just know it.

J.         Of course I was great!  Confound it what I'm trying to tell you is that— 

S.         Is that you're tense, and worried.  I know.  Here—  let me get you another drink.  (Takes glasses to bar)

J.         (To audience)  Somehow, this is not working out the way I remember it.

S.         More of the same?

J.         Yes, yes!  Just—  dammit I've got to tell her.  Pray Hera she controls herself!  (Stands, goes center stage, announces:)  Mortal, my name is Zeus!

S.         (Turns, puzzled)  Zoos?  Like where they keep animals?

J.         No!  Zeus!

S.         That's what I said.  Zoos.

J.         (To himself)  Obviously she is only aware of the Roman pronunciation.  (Again, to Susan)  Hear then:  my name is Jupiter!

S.         Jupiter Zoos.  That's a strange name.  Is it Spanish?

J.         Zeus is Greek, and Jupiter is Roman.

S.         Wow, so you grew up in Europe.  Come on, let's sit down again.  (Leads him to sofa)  I hear Europe is wonderful.

J.         (Sighs)  She was.

S.         Pardon?

J.         Europe—  Europa, they called her in those days—  was the daughter of King—  oh well, it doesn't matter.  The only thing that matters is, while passing over head one day I fell in love with Europa!

S.         A lot of my friends did, too, right from the plane.  Have you seen the Sistine Chapel?

J.         (Angrily)  That's a Christian chapel!

S.         No, Catholic.

J.         To me those chapels are sacrilegious!

S.         That's what my friends said, too.  Naked people everywhere.

J.         What I'm trying to tell you is that upon seeing Europa I changed into a gigantic, muscular bull!

S.         Tee hee, I bet you did!  Look, I just wanted you to know—  if you want to smoke some dope we can.  To get you relaxed, I mean.  The problem is that it's not always that good in bed if you're stoned.  And I would like it to be very good in bed for us.

J.         (Indignantly)  I don't think you have to worry about that!

S.         I know I don't.  (Giggling and nuzzling his ear)  I love that little story about you changing into a bull when you saw Europe, Juice.

J.         Yes, but I just don't—  what?  What did you call me?

S.         Juice.  Jupiter-Zeus!  Like it?

J.         I've never been called anything other than— 

S.         It's you, believe me!

J.         Don't you understand?  After I make love with a woman, she ascends to the heavens!

S.         (Moves closer, whispers sensually)  That's what I'm expecting, Juice.  It really is.

J.         But are you certain that you know what that means?

S.         I thought I knew;  but I'll bet you can teach me.

J.         It means that you will become a star.

S.         I—  what did you say?

J.         I said, I will make you a star!

S.         Juice, Juice—  are you a Hollywood agent of some sort?

J.         (Bellows)  I am a God!

S.         (Awed)  Wow, that's heavy!  I'm going to bed with a producer!  That's it, isn't it?  You produce, don't you, Juice?

J.         (Proudly, standing)  Believe me.  I produce.

S.         Listen, you have to understand this:  I'm not a woman who goes to bed with men in order to further her career.  OK, I do have some aspirations along those lines, but

J.         Wait.  Are you telling me that you want to become a star?

S.         Juice, every woman in this country wants to become a star.

J.         (To himself)  I've really been missing something here.  In the old days, they didn't really care for it.  (To Susan)  You've got to understand though, that in order to exist as a star you must give up being human.

S.         I know;  they say it's a very cold life.

J.         Very well put.  On the other hand, you're adored, worshipped by millions of people.  Billions of people!  You're an inspiration, you're— 

S.         (Getting up, taking his hand)  Let's talk about it later, Juice.  Right now—  all I want is you.

J.         This is extraordinary.  I can't believe this.  You're not frightened in the least.

S.         (Kisses Jupiter, then says as they walk toward the bedroom)  What should I be frightened of?

J.         Why, of knowing me!  And of receiving my Godhead!

S.         I'm just looking forward to receiving it, Juice;  but I must say, I've never heard it called that before.

(They exit to bedroom—  Stage is bare for a moment.  Enter Diana stage right)

D.        Daddy?  Daddy?  Are you in here, Daddy?  Because mother has—  Daddy?  (Sees closed door)  Daddy are you—  (Goes, listens at door)  Yes.  Yes, you are!  Oh, damn my father.  Why does he do such things?  And in a dump like this!  He is a child, a positive child!  He knows how mother hates it when he does this!  And so do I, I of all his children, I, Diana, goddess of the moon, of hunting, of chastity—  I, partially because it is in my nature to purge the world of illicit sex, must go searching after him, in order to warn him.  And to keep him out of these seedy corners.  God, do I hate sex.  For the most part, I just hate men.  Virgins are what I love.  Forest glades, and bathing in pure, crystal moonlight.  And running, and hunting.  Oh, I wish I were out there tonight, dashing with the hounds!  I almost want to go in there and—  no.  No, I'll not lower myself to burst in upon that revolting scene.  Oh, that woman!  Whoever she is, how could she allow herself to be picked up like a cheap piece of garbage?  It makes me sick to think about it.  Sick, sick, sick, sick!  If any man ever tried that with me, I'd—  oh!  I've got to get it out of my mind.  I'll just sit here and read, there's nothing else to do.  What is here?  Perhaps a Field and Stream?

(Tony enters, lost in thought.  He wanders back and forth behind the couch, not seeing Diana for a time)

T.         I can't take it.  I'm moving out.  This constant distrust, these constant tawdry affairs.  Always on the make.  I can't stand it.  I'm going to pack my things and go.  (He takes a box from beneath a bookshelf and begins to fill it with books)  She has no discipline at all.  It's as though she were driven to try to pick up men.  She can't resist the urge.  And it isn't that she respects the men she comes on to.  No, it's purely physical.  With an incredible lack of respect for our own relationship and the fact that it is on the brink—  she sees someone she finds extremely attractive, and then she seems hypnotized.  It's so childish, it's—  (Sees Diana, stares at here for a time as though hypnotized.  Finally comes over and sits beside her)  Hello there.

D.        (Does not answer)

T.         Are you a friend of Susan's?

D.        (Tosses head disdainfully.  Still does not answer)

T.         I thought I knew all of Susan's friends.  You must be from out of town.

D.        (Does not answer)

T.         You going to be around long?

D.        (Disgustedly)  Until my father finishes his wretched business!

T.         Aha.  Look, don't let me bother you, and please don't let it sound like I'm trying to come on with you or anything.  That's not it at all.  It's just that I find you extremely attractive.  There's a taut quality about your muscles that's really wonderful.  I bet you're quite an athlete.  May I ask your name?

D.        My name is Diana.

T.         Nice name.  Do they call you “Di”?

D.        They call me Diana.

T.         Ah.  I see.  Well, ah—  what do you do, Diana?

D.        I'm a Goddess.

T.         Ha!  Wow, you sure are, and you put me right in my place, I'll say that!  Look, I know this all sounds like I'm trying to come on to you, and that's not it at all,  it's just that—  wow, I really do find you attractive.  I bet you play racquetball, don't you?

D.        No.

T.         Ski?

D.        No.

T.         Tennis?

D.        (Looks at him)  I hunt.