THE EARTH DEBATE

In a distant galaxy, on a planet called Spielberg, whose civilization was so far advanced we could not even begin to imagine it (for example, the entire planetary system was bereft of the squar-ish and/or rectangular, if you so choose, contraption created from some other equally complex devices, more popularly known as the cell phone), the Council on Earth Studies convened its annual meeting.  

“So what’s new?” asked Chairman Kirk.   (It should be noted that the Council members, all devout Star Trek fans, had each taken the name of one of the series’ characters.)

“Same old thing,” said Council Secretary Sulu.   “Wars, famines, hurricanes, earthquakes, reality TV, rap music, Donald Trump. The Americans had a presidential election.   The candidates were a puffed-up war hero and a National Guard malingerer.”

“Who won?” asked Kirk.

“I forget,” said Sulu.   “What difference does it make?   The United States is the richest country on earth and they can’t even provide decent health care for their citizens. Meanwhile, they waste billions on junk food, useless medicines, gas-guzzling cars, television, rock concerts, and who knows what else?   Not only that, their biggest baseball sluggers have admitted to taking steroids.”

“There goes our fantasy baseball league,” said Councilor McCoy.

“Doesn’t sound good,” said Chairman Kirk, shaking his head to stress on the gravity of the situation. 

“There’s more,” said Councilor Scotty, “The ozone layer is being depleted; the whole planet is taking on a pallid hue of ash.  Pretty soon it would be tough for us to even look out through the Earth Window. As the other councilors may be aware, the Earth Window is the greatest source of entertainment to our people. The situation, therefore, perhaps calls for drastic measures.”

“I agree,” thundered Councilor Worf, the leading exponent of regime change, “It’s time we stepped in and took the planet over.”

“Maybe you’re right,” said Chairman Kirk.

“Hold on a minute,” said Councilor Chekov. “Once we take over the earth we’ll be stuck with it. Look at what’s happened with the Americans in Iraq, and that’s only one small country.”

“With our advanced weapons systems we’ll have no problem,” said Worf.  

“But think of the problems afterward.   A barely civilized planet.    Television, digital cameras, rock bands, cell phones rampant.”

“Don’t forget Donald Trump,”  put in Sulu.

“Yes,” said Councilor Uhura.  “Then there’s Ray Artest, Britney Spears, Dennis Rodman, Paris Hilton, the list is endless.”

“The problems are immense,” observed Vice Chairman Spock, speaking for the first time.  “Don’t forget earth is many light years away.   We would have a tremendous expenditure of men and material to mount an invasion.   It may not be logical to do so.”

“One more thing,” said McCoy.   “The earthlings have a time they call the holidays, Christmas and then New Year’s. It is traditional at Christmas to wish for peace on earth and good will toward men and on New Year to forget past errors and move ahead with hope for the future.   Maybe there is a chance, however slight, of a change for the better.”

“Okay,” said Chairman Kirk.   “Let’s give them that chance.   The Council is adjourned till next year, when the situation shall be reviewed afresh. Coffee and refreshments will be served in the next room, councilors.”